Feeling Sick

“I’m sick.”

What does that even mean?

Before 2003, calling in “sick” meant my respiratory or GI system was out of whack.  Either I was sneezing uncontrollably, feeling dizzy or nauseous, or unbearably stuffed up. That’s what being “sick” meant back then.

Since then, things have changed considerably.

What causes illness?

We can all relate to the mysterious ailments that affect our breathing, steal our energy and keep us up all night coughing (or worse, making many visits to the washroom).

We can’t see the bugs that create those nasty illnesses, but we all know they exist because they take us down for the count season after season.

Invisible Illness

My “new normal” creates a sickness that likewise, is not visible, but it’s very, very real.

Nowadays, when I say “I’m sick”, here’s what it most often means.

My neuro-chemistry is not on track. In fact, my brain actually isn’t altogether working correctly.  Instead of feeling achy and stuffed up, I am confused, exhausted, and emotional. So much so that even brushing my teeth takes a lot out of me and sends me right back to bed. So much so that bathing is not possible, concentrating is out of the question, and I’m in bed for up to 15 hours a day.

I have an abnormal brain

For me, being “sick” is my brain telling me that it’s not working properly and it needs to be nudged back into equilibrium.

I have bipolar disorder.

Although I take medications daily that help my brain operate more normally and effectively, I still have bipolar disorder. A person with diabetes might take insulin to regulate their blood sugar, but they still have diabetes. Same thing.

And, just like at times a person’s blood sugar may be tricky to regulate, even with insulin, so is it challenging for my brain to work properly all the time, even with my medication.

Five years after my diagnosis, I now understand (and have experienced)  why my complicated brain functions quite differently than someone without bipolar disorder.  

My brain doesn’t work properly

Because my brain does not always do what it was designed to do, I get “sick”.  At times, my brain is less resilient than other times, and doesn’t always regulate my emotions or thinking.  I notice this when I’m feeling overly energetic or low.  And thinking clearly is not really possible.  It’s tough to get started on things I need to do, make decisions, and organize myself to get anything accomplished.

When I’m sick, it’s not a matter of being lazy or “not trying”.  I’m not in control because my brain is not normal;  there is an abnormal chemical regulation of my brain mechanisms which would normally control my emotions and thinking.

When I’m sick, I have no choice but to rest.  I become extremely fatigued. So I must sleep. And, oh boy, do I ever sleep. Sometimes all day and all night. Which is quite handy, coincidentally, because then I don’t have to constantly or consciously be tortured by the murkiness of my emotions.

Getting back on track

Like everyone else, when I “get sick”, I just have to give myself, and specifically my brain, the care it needs to get it back on track.

I’ve learned that I need not feel guilty when I “get sick”. My brain is an organ just like a pancreas or a heart or a liver. Sometimes it just doesn’t work properly, and that’s not under my control.