I am creative
I am creative. But I haven’t always been aware of that.
Up until about 5 years ago, I would never have considered myself to be someone with even an ounce of creativity.
I sucked at art
As a kid, I can remember being “bad” at art, or at least that’s what I was led to believe. In the choir, I was told I had a “background voice”, so shouldn’t hope to ever be encouraged as a soloist. In the grade 8 dance performance, I was (intentionally?) hidden in the wings.
It just seemed to be such an effort to engage in anything arts-related. There was no fun, spontaneity or exploration.
I “memorized” how to play the piano, instead of really playing it
Take, for example, those many years of piano lessons. Although I successfully completed my Grade 8 Royal Conservatory Piano Examination when I was 18 years old, that achievement was strictly based on my ability to memorize the music. I was very disciplined, so would “practice” to make my musical pursuits “perfect”.
I never really felt the music. It was more cerebral than that, an academic activity.
Where was my imagination?
There were no creative edges whatsoever in those extra-curricular pastimes. It was all quite scripted, and as I now realize, it stifled my imagination.
Adulthood
Fast forward to my early adult-hood. In my early 30s, a fairly major life-event shifted my ability to live life as I had been until then. It took a serious mental health crisis to introduce me to what I now know as my creative life.
How did I discover my creativity?
Firstly, I gave myself permission to explore. I had previously been so concerned about doing things “right” that I didn’t know how to take risks. I had been conditioned to follow the roadmap, to fit in (and some cases, blend in); to not draw attention to myself.
Letting go of rules and fear
So I needed to dissolve the rules. Once I was able to let go of the self consciousness of breaking free of restrictions, I was able to let my true essence out to play.
Drawing class: I’ll draw anything but a bowl of fruit!
It started out with me taking a drawing class. The teacher wanted me to draw a bowl of fruit. I understand why that would be important, but something in me urged me to branch out and discover my way of drawing. More than the fruit, I was compelled to draw the images that lived in my mind; colourful spirals flowing from beautiful women’s heads, mythical animals, and ideas that could only be communicated through abstract images. My approach rattled my teacher at first, but soon enough she was fitting in her expertise into my creations, offering me wonderful advice.
I recorded a CD!
And then the music lessons. They began with the goal of learning to sing songs to dedicated to my family and friends. I later recorded those songs on a CD. Soon enough, though, my teacher encouraged me to just “play” with the instruments. One lesson I was jamming on a guitar, and the next keeping beat on a drum. I even recorded improvisational back-up vocals for my CD, scat style, with my teacher’s encouragement.
Free Movement through Dance
Later I began to explore dancing in a similar fashion. There was some structure, but I was mostly being supported to move in response to my own feelings. It was refreshing to be able to tune into the sensations in my body instead of “learning steps”. Ultimately, this allowed me to discover the thrilling freedom of spontaneity.
I am creative
So now, I live my life in pursuit of creativity. I allow my creative instincts to customize my surroundings and to help me live in original ways that support me being in charge of what makes me happy.
