Take Appearance Out Of Compliments

A whole lot of learning begins with unlearning.

 

That’s what I’ve been doing for the past year or so. Learning about body positivity/acceptance by unlearning what I’ve been taught about bodies and their worth.

 

This is why I don’t comment on other’s bodies. I have personally experienced the pain of having my body commented on. These comments assign value and can be loaded with judgements about what society deems is an acceptable body.

 

And yet, I haven’t gotten as far with body positivity as I’d like. My brain still latches on to some pretty meaningless superficial information.

 

For example, when I see a person or a social media post, my go-to thoughts and comments are almost always about the way they look – “I love that sweater” or “those jeans are so cool” or “wow, your hair looks fantastic”.

 

Now this is ridiculous. If I say I’m body positive and yet I make comments about appearance, I’m a hypocrite.  I know that who a person is on the inside is more important than their looks? Then why are my observations so shallow?  I’m aware that appearance-related remarks reinforce the notion that looking good is more important than a person’s qualities.

 

So why do I comment on appearance?

 

Am I not assigning value by complimenting someone on their clothing or hair or accessories?  It’s a deep-rooted automatic and unconscious reaction. One that I need to unlearn.

 

I’ve learned to equate appearance with worthiness and despite all the unlearning I’ve done, I still subconsciously force this idea on my own appearance. And so my residual insecurities about my own appearance along with internalized biases lead me to continue to focus on the cover rather than the book – both for myself and others.

My subconscious biases have me constantly comparing everything against some kind of acceptable standard. And this is doing harm. To myself and to others.

 

Thinking about my own process in this way helps me to understand why some people react so negatively when I tell them I’m thinking about shaving my head. They may have an attachment to hair as part of their identity. Or maybe they have a story regarding what a person with a shaved head is all about. In this case they too are valuing appearance more than a person’s qualities, likely unconsciously.

 

A couple of years ago a friend asked me to stop describing her as “cute”. For my friend, a thin, skinny white cis hetero woman, being labelled as “cute” diminishes her value as an independent, intelligent woman. Instead of feeling as though she is respected for those core qualities, when she is called “cute”, she feels insignificant and one-dimensional.

 

Interestingly I felt like I was giving my friend a compliment by calling her “cute” as I have learned to value that quality. In fact, I think some part of me wants to be seen that way, too. But by focusing on her appearance, I am projecting my insecurities and desires on her and causing her discomfort.

 

I’ve done a lot of work on my own body image over the years. Living with anorexia and my exercise addiction, I see that my obsession with appearance had an incredibly negative impact on my mental health. Letting go of that obsession was about truly and unconditionally accepting myself. And yet I still have work to do on that knowing that my insecurities lead me to judge and compare without my even knowing it.

 

What I’m highlighting here – for myself and for you, reader – is that when we comment on appearance we take away from what really matters: who the person truly is, appearance aside.  Even though personal style may be used expressively or to reflect a mood, what we look like is just a façade, it’s not who we really are.

 

What if we took appearance out of our comments and became more thoughtful about how we address people?  The issue is not what others look like. The problem is us and our obsessive fascination with looks.

 

If we open our minds, beauty can be found in so many more meaningful ways than just appearance. What about the inherent attractiveness that comes from a person’s personality or values or contributions they make to the world?

 

“You’re really good at what you do”

 

“I really value your ability to bring people together”

 

“Your insightful observations really help me”

 

“You are so patient and caring”

 

These are the qualities I want prioritize in my interactions with others.  Appearance is regulated by all sorts of factors and I want to challenge my instincts and assumptions and really see and champion other’s virtues instead of looks.  Will you join me?