3 reasons to stop loving your body: Body acceptance
Yes, you heard me right. I said stop loving your body. And start looking at an alternative: body acceptance.
Now don’t get me wrong. When I first discovered body positivity a few years back, I felt like I had come home. The fact that someone, anyone, was promoting the idea that I should not have to apologize for looking the way I do was incredible!
So what’s my point? We have to go back a little bit to understand.
Body Positivity
Body Positivity became a buzzword on social media around 2012. But it goes back a lot further than that. Body positivity stemmed from the fat acceptance movement of the late 1960s. The intent of the fat acceptance movement is to challenge the way the world sees and talks about bodies and to dismantle size/weight discrimination along with the culture of fat-shaming.
Fast forward to today. The original body positivity message that embraced fat acceptance and promoted acceptance of all bodies as valuable has become watered down. Unfortunately, body positivity got co-opted by capitalism (and thin white women) and now rarely represents the task of dismantling the barriers it was intended to.
Ask 5 different people what body positivity is and you’ll get 5 different answers. Anything from “love yourself”, to “we really should be nicer to fat people”, to “I feel positive about my own body” to “all bodies are beautiful” to “body positivity = positive body image”. Retailers have splashed “love your body” messages all over merchandise, gyms promise to be body positive and memes on social media have equated loving one’s body with body positivity. The mainstream has diluted the message.
Loving my body in this now trendy way of talking about body positivity is just not realistic for me. And you may feel that way too.
Body Acceptance
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for having a loving relationship with the most important thing I own: my body. And I am not saying I don’t love myself. That’s not what this is about.
It’s just that it’s more realistic for me to accept my body rather than love it. Accepting my body feels far more attainable, neutral and authentic than struggling to love it. Accepting my body is more of a “middle ground” for me, less radical. Body acceptance takes the pressure off.
I don’t know about you but I have lived decades being fed the message that I wasn’t worthy or good enough if I didn’t look a certain way. I was taught that appearance is everything; it’s currency, credit & privilege. This pervasive message of what is an acceptable appearance (and more importantly, what isn’t) is deeply engrained in the way that our society thinks, feels and behaves.
Suddenly this message comes along: “Just go ahead and love your body – yes everyone around you is still telling you that you’re not worthy because you look this way, but forget about it. Haters gonna hate.” It just feels dismissive of the complex history I’ve had with my body and doesn’t sit right with me.
It’s like saying “Here’s this person that you’ve been taught your whole life to hate and have tried to change because they’re not good enough the way they are. But now you’re going to start loving them unconditionally. Don’t worry about what you’ve been told in the past, just go ahead and start loving them. Oh, and by the way, love them unconditionally and never question it. We’ll get you a t-shirt and some stickers with that message on it and then you’ll be good to go.”
That’s a pretty tall order.
Maybe you feel the same? If so, why not stop bending over backwards to force yourself to love your body and start with the simpler task of accepting it?
Why would you want to do that? Let me explain by giving you 3 reasons to stop loving your body.
1. Loving your body is just not realistic
It’s just not realistic for me to be in a space where I love my body all the time.
Body acceptance is not the Disney fairy tale love affair that the “love your body” message sends. It acknowledges that I am in a relationship with my body and that this relationship is just like any other relationship.
This relationship has its ups and downs. Like everyone, I have insecurities that are very real and I don’t want to silence them. I want to address and deal with the issues I have with myself like I would in any relationship. I don’t want to “pretend” away or gaslight the truth of my experience by letting positivity take over and become toxic.
What I really like about body acceptance is that it’s not the all-or-nothing type of thinking that goes along with the “love your body” sentiment. It’s not this “ideal” of ‘one day I will love my body and everything will be alright’ (hmmm, that sounds a lot like the “promise” that the diet industry sells…).
Instead body acceptance is real, raw and honest.
For me, it’s much easier to be with where I’m at vs. forcing myself to feel a certain way. I want to be in the moment, to let go of judging myself for my thoughts or feelings, and just accept. Accept where I am and appreciate myself for where I am without dwelling on changing anything about my body.
2. Loving your body doesn’t acknowledge the real problem
You and your body aren’t a “problem” to be solved.
Mind you, that’s not what the ka-jillion dollar global beauty, diet and wellness industry is telling you. They are making money off of insecurities that were created by euro-centric beauty ideals which basically uphold the young, thin, white, tall, able bodied cis woman as “beautiful”.
Check it out for yourself – Google “beautiful people” and see what images come up. No fat, Black, trans, Asian people or anyone living with disabilities. No older or Brown people or people with soft round faces and kinky hair. But a LOT of, wait for it: thin, white, tall women with long hair.
These are beauty standards that colonizers imposed on the entire world, standards that have erased many different cultural ideals of beauty. So why, in 2022 are these ideals still being perpetuated? Because that multi-billion dollar industry thrives on us thinking we need to be thinner, whiter, have an eyelid crease, have smooth hair, have no body hair, have smaller ears and noses, etc.
It doesn’t matter how much you love your body. That won’t change this ubiquitous message that you are not worthy because you don’t fit into these unrealistic beauty standards.
For me, the conditioning is deep and there’s a real discord between the messages I hear from outside and this ideal of loving my body. It’s much easier to accept and be as neutral as I can be. There’s a lot less pressure in that for me.
3. Loving your body is a narrow focus
When I was in recovery from anorexia, my therapist cautioned me against celebrating the “return” of different parts of my body. When I pointed out that I was learning to appreciate my X (body part), she was concerned. She warned that putting parts of my body under the microscope vs. seeing my body as a whole, complete entity was objectifying myself. And that singling out body parts was also placing too much attention on what had led to my eating disorder in the first place.
But that wasn’t all. My therapist also wanted me to see myself as more than just a body – she wanted me to appreciate myself as a thinking, emotional, spiritual, complex being that was embodied. In a body, yes, but the body was not what mattered. She taught me that more important than my body is who I actually am. That I matter simply because I exist and that my gifts have nothing at all to do with my body.
What I learned from my therapist about body acceptance is that I get to have a more intimate relationship with myself by going deeper. Body acceptance means that I notice why I might be feeling a certain way about my body. And then I can explore my emotions and my mindset and not be pressured to “snap out of it”. I can draw on positive coping skills knowing that nothing about my body needs to change. Yes, it’s work, but this is the kind of work that makes me a better person.
Body acceptance starts with being honest with ourselves. It’s not a “quick fix” and takes daily self-examination and constant practice. But in the end, I believe that through body acceptance, we can develop and grow as mindful and compassionate individuals.
I choose body acceptance
Why did I trade loving my body for body acceptance? Because I want to be able to experience the fullness of being who I am without censoring my thoughts or attempting to live up to an unrealistic ideal of “all love all the time”. I have lived more than 4 decades with a body that I was taught was not good enough, so it’s not as simple as changing the channel to the “I love my body” show. By accepting my body, I am definitely committed to being kinder to myself and appreciating all it does for me, but this takes focus and time. And I’m definitely a better person than when I struggled so desperately to love my body.
If you’re curious about how Nia can be part of learning to accept your body, visit a virtual class soon!